Conspiracy Theory

A couple of days ago I have talked about “important things”… what does really matter to you? Why would you say it is so? How often the importance of “things” is changing?

I have realized that my priorities change quite frequently and although I have not found a distinctive pattern to it yet, I can guess why it has become so. I got wiser of course!

Pfff! I don’t think that, that is it though.

In all genuine seriousness, when I had dreams of – whatever, I would focus on only that and decide which action to take so that my step would face towards these dreams. Simple enough! Very self-conscious too…

Strangely, it has not been so for a while – or is it… strange I mean? Each time I try refocusing so that my feet will be turned to the fixed goal, the goal changes. I do not talk about dreams anymore… would that be an “age” thing? When one gets closer to ones forties one does not wish to jinx any hopes (& dreams) so one talks of goals or projects (as French artist Bénabar does on his latest album).

Ask me what my dreams are and I am pretty sure that I will not be able to answer you, unless my better-half is included in them. I do not have selfish dreams anymore… good, bad, or just unconscious denial? I’ll think about that another time.

Anyway, the thing is that no matter how good I am at setting my priorities straight, I cannot seem to stick to them. It is pretty trying after a while and I start then wondering if there is something wrong with me… but there is nothing wrong with you…

Life has a particularly nasty habit – as I said before – of being extremely messy and it is because of us “humans” that it is so. We are being used people… I am telling you! We do not even know it, nor suspect the reasons behind such manipulation. Well, of course, being a supreme madly intelligent She-writer, I can safely state that it is all about “Conspiracy Theory”.

Life is the mastermind behind itself and there is squat we can do about it.

Psychotic Balance

Did you ever stop and think about your life? Yes… I am indeed asking you this question just to get the flow of my writing going… although it is quite a rhetorical question, it might be useful for you to really answer it if you never have. Huh? What? How weird am I on a scale of 10 to 10?

No, no, I did not misspell the scale!

Anyway, I have a problem that concerns the title of this post… I have no idea how I am going to call it. I suppose that I could agree that everything happens for a reason, since – while writing this – I am still at school – though probably not when YOU are reading it – and therefore I should be studying at the library for one of my Swedish assignments. I don’t feel like it so I write for me thus making sure that I am regaining some psycho-logical or –tic balance.

How fitting a title… I have only come up with it as I have spitted already two paragraphs of madness… sweet and entertaining one, but not quite as aggravated as the Hatter. Do you know that I have talked about him yesterday in “Perfect World”.

No, no, I did not! Hope & Catscious did…

I talk of madness but it really is nonsense that I mean… so why do I not say what I mean? Would that be to fill the blank page of my insanity – a cultivated one should I add…

Anyway, I have stopped and thought thoroughly about my life… what I have concluded is not very conclusive because my mood-swings are frequent… yes, irrelevant too, sometimes, but extremely useful to come to the painfully relieving realization that no one in his/her right mind could efficiently say:

This is my life so far and I am (not) happy with it therefore will (not) go on the way I always have.

Fortunately, I am in my right mind – which really is the wrong one according to normality set by THE others… So, according to my set of references, I am in the right consequently my life takes as many directions as the Hatter (mad indeed!) is spurting nonsenses.

“Happy non-birthday” and for those whose birthday is today: too bad!

Train of thought

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It’s been a while since I visited… it’s been a while since I have shown my virtual face to the world, although nothing about what I share is virtual, but I am straying from my train of thought. Last time I came, it was January 19th and it did not take one month for me to drop the goal of one post a day for 365 days. I could not write even if my life depended on it; or maybe I could if I had a check at the end of each month. Another train of thought lost in the midst of all the others.

This is it: the face of me without a mask… I drop out and drag my feet, especially when I have started to set out for something good. How many of you are self-sabotaging without even realizing it? Don’t raise your hands all together, I won’t be able to count all of you!

The thing is that important things change what they are every day… when it gets too comfortable to do them, it is when they stop seeming important for the time being, leaving their spot for another important thing. Yet another train of thought lost…

You see, I stay away for more than a month and my brain is buzzing with undetermined things to say to you… babble on, laugh and be… but it is still chaos up there though I would not want to have it any other way. I lost it again: this first thing I really wanted to tell you about but did not yet managed to get to…

Yes! My virtual face without a mask that shows that no matter how many plans for the near future (the next few days, hours, minutes, seconds) are no good because I won’t follow through and it is actually okay. I do what I can to keep up with what I set out to do, but that sounds too much like routine, would you not agree? A good friend, Clark, told me that I should avoid any job set in a regular pattern…

I thought then that I disagreed a wee bit because I could picture myself being an accountant with repetitive and boring tasks – I still can see myself as such. This is however a very “easy” job to picture oneself in… a cliché office job. In fact, I could be in such a position because it is not my passion… although, I do not honour mine (passion, I mean… obviously) full-time, it is nonetheless a full-time passion.

Anyway, I felt like coming and giving a sign to my faithful readers; saying that I have not disappeared but that as life is messy, time is short and the will to write after a full day study is not always present in my mind or at the tip of my fingers.

Personality types ends today’s post

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Yesterday – which really was today – was utter nonsense and particularly a demonstration of, even when I have nothing to say, what idiocies I can “ink out” on here. I will promise this though, this is not a habit that I intend to keep up… once in a while maybe just for a good laugh, which is healthy. Do you know why I like nonsense? Because in all its supposedly lack of meaning, it makes perfect sense… I have learnt that as I read  – as an adult with a child-like heart – “Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Caroll. Bracket closed…

Lunch time: while / after I came back and forth from yesterday

Today feels a bit chaotic despite the blast I had in class this morning because I understood everything that was said. Now we’ll see how long I remember any of it; it should not be a big problem… but how many years is it really going to stick, I would not wager on long but I have come to underestimate myself in this domain… I never learn!

The hall is very noisy and the youngsters who continue playing / enjoying their music there are starting to wear my focus thin. I am about to meet the only teacher I do not know (Natural Sciences A)… I wonder many things that are not important… but all you need to know – for now – is that I am looking forward to it.

Now, regarding my daily writing, Clark had the nice suggestion of my programming my postings… and with what I have written so far, I have only five days to catch up with in Wordy World… before I can follow the right deadlines ever (those I set for myself – you had well understood of course).

Personality-studies according to the precious Wakefield Doctrine is growing (in my head) and should be interesting to write about this weekend – hopefully. Small thoughts:
- Youngsters looking around making sure that what they do is noticed… Clark, Roger or Clark?
- Youngsters playing music loud… do they really want to be noticed or do they just wished they were elsewhere?

It is now evening

I have come home to get some order in today’s babbling. My teacher is fantastic, which ultimately enabled me both to relax and have great fun listening to his lesson. This is going to be a fun term. Personality wise, I perceived him as a Clark… mostly because he said something that I had discussed with progenitor Clark – monotonous jobs… no thank you. There are many other aspects that could make him a clark too, but I will reserve my definitive conclusion for a later and more complete observation.

Ever since the Wakefield Doctrine, I have some sorts of antennas… no it is not it… how I perceived before is still incredibly accurate, but I feel like the doctrine added another dimension. Before, I perceived in 3D but without very good glasses… the WD brought me a new pair.

Nothing to say

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This is a very difficult task to write about something when “nothing” is what you have to say. There are no way any of you would forgive me if I wrote a blank post, or is there? Nonetheless, I think it would be better if I did not write anything at all… if a blank page was all I had to offer… though it might be worth the experiment one of these days. The problem with such ways of thinking is that I have a goal that needs to be met: the “day to day diary” which has seduced many of you, somehow – yes, I am still surprised that it has – and therefore, I cannot afford to stray from that particular path… yet.

Of course, today is not the day that is marked “jan-19″ on the calendar, even so it really is Thursday, January 19th 2012… but who cares, right? Oh, you do? Do you want me to spill it out for you then? No… good! I wouldn’t have anyway.

Now there are some details I should bring up about my day, that have already come to pass, however, my short term memory is playing tricks on me and I forgot as I was introducing the subject itself… is it old age or just the crowd in my brain (you choose).

Moreover – and as you will obviously notice we are back to the real today (January 19th) – it feels most uncomfortable to write where I am writing; no! actually the only discomfort is that I am not at home babbling about nothing… I am at school, waiting for my next lesson. I am in a hall, very well lit; benches and tables are in every possible corners… youngsters are occupying the spaces by the windows, but I am fine where I am… spying on them and their loud behaviours while talking with you. It is an awkwardly fun game of look while she’s not looking and elsewhere when she look up at us… all this orchestrated by laughter going from pianissimo to crescendo, I am highly diverted and they don’t even know it, what a waste!
Anyway… ooh, now the youngsters are playing music – added to their own cheerful sounds – but at least it is some sort of rock / hard-rock… sounds like Axel Rose’s voices… no mistaking him, It is Axel indeed…

Back to yesterday, the only important thing I did was to study Natural Sciences B at home so that I would finally be able to know / understand what on earth my teacher – and classmates – were talking about in the classroom. Just so you know, it helped tremendously indeed. Well invested time…

It is today again, the music is changing all the time… OMG… what the (beep) Rick Astley “Never gonna give you up” tragic! How in the world do I know that?

This post is not making any sense, but I am becoming some kind of a nonsensical professional… now we’re talking: they are playing Europe “Superstitious”… The thing I noticed with youngsters is that they do not know how to listen to music. They zap through it… annoying!

Until tomorrow… later today that is!